Angry on God’s behalf

By Darlington Majonga


NOW, I’m about to reveal what would have made my late poor mother’s eyes pop out of their sockets.

I haven’t been to church since one Sunday, in April 2008, when helmeted and black-booted anti-riot police officers, brandishing batons and slinging rifles, stormed the Anglican Cathedral in Harare in the middle of a sermon.

We stampeded for the doors, with terrified women and children, the majority of the congregants, screaming and falling over each other.

The law-enforcement officers were doing it at the behest of renegade bishop Nolbert Kunonga – an ardent supporter of President Robert Mugabe – who made it clear anyone who did not recognise him as the leader of the church had no right to worship at Anglican properties.

I will come back to the moron – yes, that’s what he is – some other time.

But he’s not the reason I haven’t been to church for more than three years.

This was unacceptable when I was growing up, with my mother being a popular leader of the Mother’s Union at the St Mary’s parish in Chitungwiza.

In fact, anyone in our family who bunked church would not have tea with fried eggs – Sundays, not all of them of course, were the only days we could be treated to a somewhat decent breakfast.

So in a way the fried eggs became an incentive for going to church.

But I also believed that was the only right thing to do and, honestly, I have fond memories of my times at the Sunday school.

I always liked it when the big bell chimed.

The holiness that engulfed the church especially when servers, clad in white robes, paced up and down the aisle swinging a small urn pouting burning incense was quite unbelievable.

And the hymns were quite captivating and I sang along so much I thought I was a brilliant tenor until I couldn’t make the school choir.

You can imagine, when I was young, I actually thought the late Father Oliver Mutume, for example, could talk to God.

It meant so much and I felt God’s spirit entering me whenever the priest touched my head while we knelt around the pulpit.

By the time Kunonga started putting the name of the Anglican Church – and Christianity at large – into disrepute, I had long ceased seeing priests and pastors as pious.

With Kunonga wreaking havoc, I was tempted to look for another denomination but I found it hard to leave my Anglican and its traditions.

The only time I had done so – leaving my Anglican – was when I went to one Pentecostal church after learning the girl I wanted was an ever-present there.

Armed with my fairly good understanding of the Bible, which I had to somehow memorise when I was doing divinity at A-Level, I maneouvred my way close enough to the hot one to impress her with some verses.

The only thing I didn’t do was to speak in tongues.

In all honesty, I didn’t believe in their razzmatazz way of worshipping and only put up with it because I had a mission.

That’s exactly why I’m no longer interested in this church business.

The church, in general, is full of pretenders.

Some, like I did years ago, go to look for women.

And women too – especially when their marketability is teetering towards expiry – also go to church to look for potential husbands.

The place of worship has become a stage to show off fashion trends and wheels.

Yet that’s not my biggest problem with Christianity.

It’s the leaders stupid!

And the overzealous preachers!

And the pretenders

And the blind followers too!

Has anyone ever paused to think why some Christians thrive on striking fear into the hearts of non-believers?

Is it not because such Christians do not understand the life and teachings of Jesus Christ upon which the Christian faith is based?

Not that I understand the Bible better.

Yet that’s exactly my frustration!

Whenever I have tried to understand the religion and its teachings better I have been unfortunate to meet Christians who take pleasure in making other people feel “hellish”.

They tell you symbolic practices like brewing sorghum beer to remember or appease our ancestors are satanic — as if the white man who brought Christianity to the shores of Africa does not have his own traditions.

Like burning incense to chase away evil spirits!

If they are tired of stuffing that nonsense into your ears, the fear-mongers either spurt the crap about burning in hell or God meting out heavy punishment against sinners and non-believers.

When you ask them if that’s not the antithesis of the compassion, spirituality and love which the religion champions, they become so defensive.

They hide behind the “it’s the will of God” mantra in their desperate attempts to stifle and obfuscate meaningful debate on religion.

If you ask them what they don’t know, they label you blasphemous.

In fact, some of them get angry on behalf of God.

“You need prayers!” they usually quip.

Yet it is such people who need more prayers than anyone else for endangering a religion that has taught the world love, forgiveness and all the virtues that make us a peaceful and happy people.

The religion that I grew up loving so much is at the mercy of cults or sects led by fundamentalists who hide behind dogma and fake miracle works to sate their narcissistic desires.

We must watch out for such fundamentalists who thrive on isolating gullible followers from outside influences that might cause them to doubt their saintliness.

And these marshals of blind faith, who claim exclusive access to God’s will, normally target the very vulnerable in society — the loveless, the sick and hopelessly poor included.

Do I hear anyone saying Pastor Chris or Prophet TB Joshua or Pastor Makandiwa?

Yes, those are among the religious charlatans.

They thrive of fooling people by performing spell-binding miracles that heal wheelchair-bound people.

They can cure cancers and any other terminal ailments.

They can exorcise evil spirits by sending bearded men and breasted women tumbling into trances.

I saw TB Joshua doing that on his TV channel recently.

A trembling woman was told she had a spirit which made her not have any feeling of affection for her husband.

“It’s the crocodile spirit,” he “prophesied” to a deafening applause as the woman wriggled and snapped her mouth like a reptile.

Then a guy was told his family was battling a spirit that made them unfaithful to their spouses.

And, can you believe it, the possessed always exalt the Man of God for correctly prophesying their problems and dealing with the spirits!

Now, my problem is that I have relatives and friends who have terminal illnesses like Aids who believe TB Joshua can deal with that.

And those who chow their modest salaries like they are Bill Gates suddenly blame spirits when they find themselves penniless and unable to feed their families hours after payday!

Even prostitutes shout spirits when their addiction to sex suddenly overwhelms them.

Holy crap!

The whole idea, it seems, is for these charlatans masquerading as genuine prophets to sway people into believing they are all-powerful.

It’s about them, not Jesus or God.

That’s why most of them run TV channels which broadcast sermons and miracle works to hoodwink people.

Isn’t it why they are filthy rich?

Their dubious missions are more akin to occult practices than they are to genuine Christian modus operandi.

I know some Christians will regard this article in bad taste because they are already victims of fear-mongers who take every opportunity to misinterpret the Bible.

Maybe TB Joshua should try the “remote control” trick with me – but only if he pays me too and I will gladly join those telling the world the “Man of God” is great!



*Darlington Majonga is the editor of the Free State Times in South Africa. He previously worked for the Zimbabwe Independent and Daily News in Zimbabwe. You can email him at dmajonga@yahoo.com

Zimbabwe flatter to deceive

Darlington Majonga



WE laugh for different reasons.

Every millisecond someone somewhere is doing that – showing emotion through an explosive, often spontaneous, vocal sound.

Pakistan did a lot of that on their way to a seven-wicket win over Zimbabwe in their one-off Test match in Bulawayo this week.

Every time Zimbabwe gave away a wicket – and it happened in horrendous fashion in a forgettable second innings – howls, similar to those made by a pack of jackals, filled the rather empty Queens Sports Club.

Maybe that’s how they express impulsive delight in Pakistan, but their piercing cackling said it all about Zimbabwe’s sorry collapse.

As much as the home side’s capitulation was somewhat laughable, it was far from a laughing matter.

In all honesty, their disintegration came as surprise considering how they had amassed a respectable first-innings total of 412, anchored by Tinotenda Mawoyo’s unbeaten 163.

Yet it wasn’t something totally unexpected for a small cricket nation that has flattered to deceive since their first ever Test victory, ironically against Pakistan, by an innings and 64 runs in February 1995.

That historic match had Grant Flower unbeaten on 201 and his brother Andy being caught by Wasim Akram, now coach of Pakistan, off the bowling of Kabir Khan after stroking a massive 153.

Guy Whittall was unbeaten on 103 when Zimbabwe declared their first innings on 544-4.

That proved to be a match-winning total as Pakistan were wiped out for 322 and still could not make up for the deficit when they followed on, only managing a paltry 158.

Heath Streak, then a fresh-faced 20-year-old boy, did most of the damage, hauling six wickets in the first innings for 90 before following that up with 3-15.

No one can dispute that that Zimbabwe side had real talent, with Dave Houghton, Alistair Campbell, Stuart Carlisle, Paul Strang and Henry Olonga in the mix.

The Pakistani side that capitulated at Harare Sports Club in that historic Test match was quite strong too, unlike the “weakened” team which beat Zimbabwe this week.

That goes a long way to confirm what has for long been a public secret: that Zimbabwe doesn’t really have the quality to compete at the highest level.

Maybe I should say they do not have quality yet, because if it’s about potential, yes, Zimbabwe has quite a lot of it.

Many analysts have been decrying a lack of experience in the current Zimbabwe side.

As the match at Queens wore on with Pakistan replying in their first innings, the home side frittered away seven regulation catches that could have turned the duel in their favour.

One commentator said Zimbabwe were not yet used to the intensity of Test cricket.

Yet, in simple words, there was no excuse for such sloppiness.

And this has been and will continue to be Zimbabwe’s Achilles’ heel. It’s a trend that they have failed to overcome, even since the heady days of the Flower brothers.

Flash back to March 20, 2001.

Zimbabwe were on the verge of another historic win, needing just 99 runs to defeat the West Indies at Trinidad’s Queens Park Oval.

The Flower brothers were in the line-up. And so were the much-touted Neil Johnson and Murray Goodwin.

But against all expectations, even for Test cricket’s newest and weakest nation, Zimbabwe folded in spectacular fashion and by the time Curtly Ambrose sent last wicket Mpumelelo Mbangwa’s furniture flying they had only managed 63.

Besides Grant’s 126-ball 26, no other Zimbabwean went into the double figures that day and no one else beat the nine extras donated by the Windies.

Andy’s first-innings century went in vain, like what has just happened to Mawoyo’s mammoth knock.

Inexperience, a wearing pitch and poor batting were proffered as the reasons for the unbelievable capitulation.

We can offer the same reasons for Zimbabwe’s loss to Pakistan this week.

Zimbabwe’s first ever Test win was as significant as victory over the same Pakistan this week would have been.

In 1995, with questions being asked whether or not they had been admitted into Test cricket prematurely, it was important for Zimbabwe to prove they merited a spot in the game’s elite league.

That’s the same scenario Zimbabwe have found themselves in after six years away from Test cricket.

The celebrations that followed Zimbabwe’s 130-run victory over Bangladesh on their return to Test cricket last month were understandable.

But no one can say they expected the result to be very different.

Despite Zimbabwe’s exile, there has never been really anything to separate the two sides since Streak and 13 other players, with 257 Test caps between them, walked out on national duty on April 15, 2004.

You can look at their drawn match at Bangabandhu National Stadium in Dhaka in January 2005 when Bangladesh were expected to overrun Zimbabwe’s greenhorns who had been thrown into the deep end following the senior player rebellion.

The litmus test for Zimbabwe was expected to come in the form of Pakistan, never mind they had the luxury to leave their premier pace bowlers, Umar Gul, Tanvir Ahmed and Wahab Riaz, back home.

The inclusion of relatively inexperienced players, including the uncapped Aizaz Cheema who went on to cause serious damage, was supposed to give Zimbabwe an equal chance.

But that was not to be.

Yet it wasn’t a victory given on a silver platter. Zimbabwe, to their credit, took the match, for the second consecutive time, to the fifth day.

They had failed to do so in innings defeats against Sri Lanka, South Africa and New Zealand – heavy defeats which forced Zimbabwe to take a break from Test cricket.

Solid batting, in both innings, is critical in Test cricket. So is consistently disciplined bowling and fielding.

So far, against both Bangladesh and Pakistan, Zimbabwe have shown they are capable of doing that.

But that will not happen as long as they do not quickly shift their mindset. They have to believe that they can beat or at least compete against the best.

They have the potential, which in simple terms refers to latent but unrealised ability.

Besides Brendan Taylor, Tatenda Taibu and Hamilton Masakadza, players such as Mawoyo, Brian Vitori and Kyle Jarvis can now also steal the headlines.

That’s what makes a team, not individuals.

While we can talk about Zimbabwe’s potential, it cannot be denied that they are still far from becoming a quality side that can compete against Test cricket’s big guns – not that they were under any illusions about that, I suppose.

What Zimbabwe need for now to become polished gems is to strike consistency in performance.

This means if they can score 412 in the first innings they should be able to do as much in the second. And if they can be brilliant fielders in one match, they shouldn’t be dropping easy catches in the next as if they are paid to do that.

The upcoming ODI series against Pakistan will be crucial for Zimbabwe to regain the momentum they had gained against Bangladesh and to convince the cricketing world that their self-imposed exile wasn’t all in vain.

And the players themselves must understand more than anyone else that they can only be taken seriously by winning and being competitive.

• Darlington Majonga is the editor of the Free State Times in South Africa.